Explanations.

It seems we all have moments of weakness, and jealousy. At one point or another most everyone has probably wished they were someone different.

I've been wishing that my whole life.

Ever since I was young, every time I met someone who seemed prettier, smarter, better, luckier than I am, I wished that I was more like them. It seemed that no matter which way I turned, there was another person that was so much better than me. But a couple of days ago I had a moment of realization; I'm finally happy with who I am. At first glance, I think, yeah, she's prettier than me, she has more friends, she's more talented. But when I look closer, I realize, I have the potential for all of these things. I just spend so much time thinking about who I want to be that I never devote any time to actually becoming that person.

So I've decided to change my negative mentality. Instead of thinking about what I want, but holding it inside for fear of rejection, I need to forget all of that and just do it.

I've been contemplating, trying to figure out where the root of this problem lies. I'm not sure I'll ever figure that out, but I do recall one particular instance that shook my confidence. It was eighth grade, a rocky year in my life. My friends and I had begun to drift apart, and I was beginning to stop caring about the things that were most important to me. Then, out of the blue, one of my friends confronted me about a supposed issue my best friend had with me. She claimed I was a copycat, nobody liked me anymore, and if I couldn't see that I must be "deaf, blind, and dumb." Being at that hormonal adolescent stage, this shattered me. As my supposed friend continued to rant, I sat in dumbfounded silence, looking for my best friend to deny my claims. She sat there silently, without a word, avoiding my glance. It was then that I basically cut off my relationship with my closest friends. I had no classes with any of them, and I moved to a different lunch table with another friend. (Who, by the way, I am utterly grateful of, because with out her, I don't think I could have gotten through this seemingly insignificant chain of events. Even though we aren't close anymore, I know we'll always remain friends because of her kindness in this situation. But I digress.) Anyways, I went an entire two months without talking to my best friend, and it was torture. Finally, I nervously called her one day after school, hoping to straighten things out. After all, I was okay with losing contact with my other friends, but this was my best friend. We ended up reconciling that same weekend, but things have never been the same between us. 

I wish that I had the courage to tell her how much I miss her friendship. Sure, we're still pretty good friends, but not nearly as close as we used to be. And we talk, but not at the same depth. We used to read each other's diaries, now we can barely read each other's moods. I don't know why I keep holding back, but it seems to be a major issue in my life, especially now. And the repercussions of those happenings in eighth grade seem to be resounding in all parts of my life. I've always wanted to take guitar lessons, but my best friend started guitar right before our falling out, and ever since then I've felt like I can't... but I've decided that I need to let go of the past, and those events needn't concern me.

I need to make some major changes in my life, starting with small steps. I think I'll tell my former best friend about what I've been thinking for two years now, and ask my parents about guitar lessons. After all, nothing big starts out that way.