Explanations.

It seems we all have moments of weakness, and jealousy. At one point or another most everyone has probably wished they were someone different.

I've been wishing that my whole life.

Ever since I was young, every time I met someone who seemed prettier, smarter, better, luckier than I am, I wished that I was more like them. It seemed that no matter which way I turned, there was another person that was so much better than me. But a couple of days ago I had a moment of realization; I'm finally happy with who I am. At first glance, I think, yeah, she's prettier than me, she has more friends, she's more talented. But when I look closer, I realize, I have the potential for all of these things. I just spend so much time thinking about who I want to be that I never devote any time to actually becoming that person.

So I've decided to change my negative mentality. Instead of thinking about what I want, but holding it inside for fear of rejection, I need to forget all of that and just do it.

I've been contemplating, trying to figure out where the root of this problem lies. I'm not sure I'll ever figure that out, but I do recall one particular instance that shook my confidence. It was eighth grade, a rocky year in my life. My friends and I had begun to drift apart, and I was beginning to stop caring about the things that were most important to me. Then, out of the blue, one of my friends confronted me about a supposed issue my best friend had with me. She claimed I was a copycat, nobody liked me anymore, and if I couldn't see that I must be "deaf, blind, and dumb." Being at that hormonal adolescent stage, this shattered me. As my supposed friend continued to rant, I sat in dumbfounded silence, looking for my best friend to deny my claims. She sat there silently, without a word, avoiding my glance. It was then that I basically cut off my relationship with my closest friends. I had no classes with any of them, and I moved to a different lunch table with another friend. (Who, by the way, I am utterly grateful of, because with out her, I don't think I could have gotten through this seemingly insignificant chain of events. Even though we aren't close anymore, I know we'll always remain friends because of her kindness in this situation. But I digress.) Anyways, I went an entire two months without talking to my best friend, and it was torture. Finally, I nervously called her one day after school, hoping to straighten things out. After all, I was okay with losing contact with my other friends, but this was my best friend. We ended up reconciling that same weekend, but things have never been the same between us. 

I wish that I had the courage to tell her how much I miss her friendship. Sure, we're still pretty good friends, but not nearly as close as we used to be. And we talk, but not at the same depth. We used to read each other's diaries, now we can barely read each other's moods. I don't know why I keep holding back, but it seems to be a major issue in my life, especially now. And the repercussions of those happenings in eighth grade seem to be resounding in all parts of my life. I've always wanted to take guitar lessons, but my best friend started guitar right before our falling out, and ever since then I've felt like I can't... but I've decided that I need to let go of the past, and those events needn't concern me.

I need to make some major changes in my life, starting with small steps. I think I'll tell my former best friend about what I've been thinking for two years now, and ask my parents about guitar lessons. After all, nothing big starts out that way.

We all have our issues.

existence.

As you will soon learn, cancer research is a cause very close to my heart. My father is a pediatric oncologist/hematologist at a nearby hospital. The hospital he works at is host to an organization called The Four Diamonds Fund. When Christopher Millard, son of Charles and Irma Millard, passed away due to cancer at age fourteen over thirty years ago, the Millards decided to take action. They created the Four Diamonds Fund, a foundation that helps the families of pediatric cancer patients at the medical center, not only financially, but emotionally. The Four Diamonds Fund also pays for the salaries of extra workers such as nutritionists and Child Life specialists, who help the patients during difficult hospital stays and procedures. The Four Diamonds fund is associated with Pennsylvania State University's annual Dance Marathon, commonly referred to as simply "THON." During the duration of this event, hundreds of college students sacrifice their time and effort to stand on their feet for forty-six consecutive hours, and thousands of volunteers pitch in in order to raise money for the Four Diamonds Fund. This year alone, Penn State students raised $7,490,133.87 for the Four Diamonds Fund, and overall, THON has raised over 52 million dollars for the kids. 

THON is the largest student run philanthropy in the world. This year was my sixteenth THON, and what I believe to have been the most meaningful THON I have attended. While there, I noticed the smiling faces of bald children, perfectly happy to run and play freely. And their bravery amazes me. When I see a young child of only eight or nine smiling in contentment, it warms my heart. THON is an event that is all about cancer awareness, but the ironic thing is, it is the one time that a young victim of pediatric cancer can feel normal. In a class full of healthy children with full heads of hair, a pale face and a bald head are glaringly obvious. But when on a dance floor filled with numerous bald heads, a child is normal. For one weekend of the year, a child can forget about his or her illness. It was this year that I truly began to notice the profound effect that THON and the Four Diamonds Fund has had on the lives of these children. And that was when I made a decision. I had always been unsure about what my desires were in terms of my secondary education, but at THON, I decided that I needed to attend Penn State. I can't imagine my life without THON, and I want to be a bigger part of this amazing event. I want to make a difference in the lives of these children.

During an assembly for the Mini-Thon of my own school, my school's Four Diamonds child, Eli, stepped up to the microphone. I expected to hear the nervous voice of an unsure child coming from the twelve year old, but instead Eli began to speak with ease. He answered questions about his experience with his type of cancer, Ewing's sarcoma, a cancer of the bone. One student asked, "What does it feel like knowing that you could die any day?" Eli responded with ease. "Hey, I could walk out of this building right now and get hit by a bus and die. Everyone's going to die one day. It's natural." I was amazed with the wisdom of this young boy. He had such a fresh perspective on life, especially for someone his age. As a two time cancer survivor, Eli told the audience that he values any and all forms of life. After the assembly was over, many of my friends came up to me and commented about how much they loved Eli. It was amazing to me how one child could inspire so many people... including me. 

Undecided.

Undecided. When asked to describe myself in one word, this is the word that I chose. Although careers is admittedly the sorriest excuse of a class I have ever been in, the results of this assignment slightly suprised me. While my classmates wrote generic descriptors such as "unique" or "athletic," I chose "undecided." In many ways, this is the best word to describe myself. As one of the few in my class who continues to be clueless about what I desire as a future career, I'm not exactly someone who could be referred to as decisive. This may be why I've been falling behind academically lately. Because I don't have a particular career or goal to work towards, I've been finding myself rather lethargic and unmotivated of late. Sure, I spend a good chunk of my time contemplating the future, a bit too much time, even, but for some reason I continue to be unmotivated. I believe I spend excessive time focusing on what I my desires for the future, and not enough time focusing on where I need to be now. It has been slowly taking its toll on my life lately, and I haven't reached a decision about a solution, but something needs to be done. I refuse to sit on the sidelines and watch my dreams crumble before my own eyes.