Pretending.

The past few days have been hard.

Jeanice died on Friday.

There. That's the first time I've actually said it out loud - or at least as out loud as it gets on the internet. I've been feeling the strangest mix of emotions since Dad told me about it. It's like I want to cry, but I just can't. I just feel sad, and confused, and... empty. On Saturday in the midst of a fun impromptu trip to the grocery store with my friends, I started feeling really sad. I'm talking sit on the floor and cry until the tears stop coming sad. Break down in the middle of the aisle sad. But I didn't. I pulled myself together and pretended nothing was wrong like I always do. I wandered off for a moment to gather my thoughts, and the next thing I knew I was staring at the meat aisle fighting off tears.

It kind of bugs me that none of my friends even noticed that anything was wrong. I mean, I know it shouldn't. They're not psychic, and I was holding in my emotions, so why would I even want them to notice? It's not so much that I want the attention, because to be perfectly honest that's one of the last things that I want. I just want someone to know me, to care. To know me well enough to see when something is wrong, and care enough to ask if I'm okay.

That's all I've ever wanted, really.